While this Blog is over a year old, I haven’t posted since my first (and only) article which was published in November of 2015. When I decided to create this Blog, I was a (temporary) stay-at-home mom looking for an outlet to give my life meaning and purpose, and an identity beyond just being a mom. Not that being a mom isn’t meaningful, or isn’t fulfilling work. Being a mom is very gratifying. However, it is also very selfless, exhausting, often lonely, and if I’m honest….soul-sucking at times. While the payoffs are immeasurable, it takes an enormous sacrifice in terms of self-identity, self-care and self-interest. Each of these things that were once crucial to your happiness and sense of fulfillment will take a backseat to the needs of your little genetic dividend.
I had such great hopes and vision for this blog. In a frenzy of inspiration and determination, I gave birth to the entire site within one week’s time. Like a child, I had to decide on a name, give it a sense of purpose, a place to live, and an identity. I lovingly laid out a structure for its existence, and I began vividly dreaming about all of the great possibilities and opportunities that it might attain, and all that I hoped to provide it with love and nurturing care. Then the move back to Oregon happened. And with the move came a new job, Kindergarten, gymnastics, family gatherings and events, and the end of any sense of spare time. It’s a good thing my Blog isn’t a real human child, because after the move I ignored it, abandoned it, and left it for dead. Or maybe it just never got packed up with the rest of our belongings. Yet, it lingered in the back of my mind like a promise unfulfilled. I often thought about it, and even pledged to myself many times that I would return to it to complete my vision and fulfill my quest.
So, here I am. Fourteen months later. But, here I am. Why today? Why now? I couldn’t tell you.
So, now what?
Do I dare suggest some unrealistic resolution, and make promises I cannot keep? The Fear is real you guys! Fear that I cannot live up to the vision for the Blog. Fear that I cannot maintain the content and inspiration that drives it. The Fear of critique. The Fear of failure. The Fear is what stops me every time. But nothing is born out of Fear, and even the Phoenix is born of ashes. So my one resolution is only to fail, but fail it forward, and learn from each failure, one day at a time.
Failing is okay. It isn’t permanent. It isn’t fatal. It is experience.
“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”
– Thomas A. Edison